the other day sarie wrote a piece about the importance of keeping a journal. i find myself still thinking about. and so, in support of her wise council, and as a further example of what not to do, and why, i feel i should share the following. it's not earth shattering. it may not be life changing. and it's probably not even that interesting. but hopefully it will be a lesson to some, and encouragement to others. we'll see.
when i was about 15, i met and fell instantly head over heals in love with john wallin. he was our mission president's son. he was american and the hottest thing i had ever met. (of course i went on to meet and marry hotter!) he was tall, he was funny, he was rebel-ish. he was 17. we flirted. we even wrote back and forth a few times when he returned to the states to finish his senior year and get ready for his mission. i thought i had died and gone to heaven. but it never went beyond being a serious crush - there was no dating, no kissing, just a lot of flirting. a lot of wishing and a lot flirting. and cursing. there was a lot of cursing my parents that i hadn't been born 9 months ealier. and there was documenting. so that i could relive over and over again all my crazy-in-love thoughts and feelings, all the what i saids, the what he saids...the what i wish he'd saids...all the wonderfulness that is that first real remember forever crush...i wrote it all down. every corny love smitten word. every heart pounding thought. every butterfly in your belly feeling. there in black and white, or sometimes blue and white, somedays even pink and white...my whole heart, open, immortalized on college rule binder paper.
when i was about 18 and completely moved on, and completely in love with bruce fabian, and oh so mature and wise beyond my years, i found that stack of love laid bare. i re-read it all. and instead of reading it with my heart, and appreciating it's innocence, i read it with my just my head, and was totally embarrassed at how stupid and infantile it all sounded. time had passed; i was devoted to someone else now, this was the real thing. that other stuff was so 3 years ago. it was just childishness. foolishly i thought it held no value, and so...sarie you may want to look away for this next part...i threw the papers away! i tore them out and tossed them and my 15 year old heart into the trash. and like most youthful indiscretions, it would be years before i could fully understand and completely regret that momentary lapse in judgement.
other parts of my youth are best left out of the annals of history and are exactly where they should be...all but forgotten. but most of it should've been recorded. if not for me then for my kids. i might have a better memory and a lot more patience for what they are feeling if i had kept a diary...i could reference my journals, like cliffsnotes, when i need to understand them better...i think i'd be less quick to judge and a tad quicker to forgive if i could read how unfair i thought my own parents had been. i know my kids would appreciate the insight. and now that i have found the real thing, i would give almost anything to compare my notes on love...then and now...maybe i'd be pleasantly surprised at the lack of contrast. maybe young love and old love are not as different as we like to think. after 20 years my heart still skips when i see steven at the end of the day. and his kiss? well...
the moral? keep a journal, and keep the journal. don't toss any part of it away. don't ever be foolish enough to think that past thoughts and feelings, our experiences, both good and bad have no place in the future of our children and their families. where would we be if lehi had kept his dream to himself or if alma had been too embarrassed to share how he regretted his poor choices as a teen and the affect he had on those around him. what wonderful things do we learn about change, and forgiveness, about growing up, and moving forward from his conversion? keep a journal. it may not become scripture, but i promise it will be make history.
