ok. so just forget what i said before...

...all this talk about resistence to changing and growing and graduating and moving on and too much independence. all this talk about relinquishing and maturing and aging. all this talk about keeping them close, tightening apron strings, losing connections, and the fear of being left behind. all this talk about who's gonna be queen of the castle, king of the hill. it's all crazy talk! crazy talk. pure, unadulterated crazy talk. the ramblings of a crazy person. lunacy! i should be committed. my advice?! do. not. listen. to. me. ever! unless of course i birthed you or married you. then you have to hang on my every word!

i am now fully in love with the idea that my children are growing and maturing. i love that they are independent and reliable. i love that they are resourceful and able and confident. i love that they are responsible. i embrace all this for completely selfish reasons. pure...unadulterated...selfishness.

i absoulutely love all this maturing because it meant steven could plan a quick birthday retreat for me and he, and we were able to just up and go, just like that! - all without having to call in favors from family and friends. i love it because we were able to go knowing full well that our children would look out for each other, that they would take good care of each other, that they would most likely be better friends as a result of it. i love that we went knowing that on our return the house would still be standing, that all would be well. ooh, and that there was the slightest possiblity there might even be a present or two waiting for me.

like i said. unadulterated selfishness.

but, oh, how i love it when i'm right!!!

thanks kids.

thank you steven.

i love you like you don't even know.

what can i say...

a friend of mine recently wrote a piece lamenting the fact that her baby, her first born, was all done breastfeeding. she was saddened by the loss of connection, the end to those moments that only a mother and her baby can share. she was a little less than eager for either one of them to begin this new beginning, this new independence. and the sure knowledge that other things, and other people were going to fill the gap that inevitably forms between a mother and child did nothing to endear her to this milestone in motherhood.

i agreed with her as i recalled these same feelings. i loved the thought that i reigned supreme in the lives of my babies. i loved that they came to me fully expecting that i could shift their fragile world back on it's axis when the injustices of the real one seemed to get the better of them. no matter what was running amok in my own world, i was always able to settle theirs. with each passing year however i feel like my reign has slowly given way to their need to rule supreme.

but every so often life throws you a bone. or in gentler, more endearing terms...sometimes there's a ray of hope...a tender mercy.

you send your 14 year old daughter off to E.F.Y. - she is eager to go. eager to literally take flight as she boards the plane. she's excited at being on her own for five whole days. excited to be her own person, to call the shots. she's with a best friend. she's in good hands. she's where she has wanted to be all summer. she's where she should be. she is surrounded by good people. she is safe. blessed. oh, and there are boys...blessings added upon.

she leaves on sunday. registers on monday. and by tuesday she's ready to be done. she calls late in the afternoon and tells me between sobs that she is sick, her stomach hurts, she can't eat, she wants to come home. i tell her that she is not ill. i tell her she is fine. i tell her that she's just homesick. i think to myself that "just homesick" should be classed as an oxymoron. instinct kicks in, hold habits die hard, and for the next 20 minutes i work carefully on restoring calm and peace to her world. i ask what she's been doing, about her room, her group, her councellors, what classes she took that day, what were her plans for the evening, what about the boys?! she answers. we talk. it feels good to be needed. by the end she is breathing, she is talking in complete sentences, she is planning her outfit for the fireside.

when she called this afternoon she was back to being queen of her universe - life was great, everything was great. she was eating again even though the food is far from great. the dance was a lot of fun, of course she had to do the asking. silly boys. she and cassidy were getting ready to perform in the choir later this evening. it was going to be so cool. she was glad to be there. she was happy.

so my work here is done. for now. but i rest assured that there will again be feelings, and hearts and bridges in need of mending. i am happy to wait here quietly in the wings, knowing my time will come again all too soon.

the say a picture is worth a thousand words...

sometimes this boy just leaves me speechless

~:~

thanks maddie for your mad photographic skillz.

this is the life...

liam "staying up all night" so he could sleep all the way to california.

san clemente's coastline view from the jetty

we drove up to the tide pools in laguna. it was really cool to get a closer look at some of the creatures that i'm usually glad i don't know are swimming around my feet.

we had a great time in california. lots of sun, sand and surf. a little sunburn thrown in for good measure. it was a great time spent with family and friends, some of which came all the way from utah...it was wonderful to reconnect. these are the sorts of friends that if we were in australia they'd be the next generation of adopted aunts and uncles. it was so relaxing and everything we had been anticipating since our last trip. there was a lot of chatter, some good natured teasing and an over abundance of laughter, sometimes at ourselves, usually at the expense of someone else...brian our fearless leader...we love you! we learned some good lessons too - things like...there are words that you can only get away with saying if you are on vacation in california, it's okay to drive and see where you end up, sometimes it's best to just order the tacos, and steve is funny, especially when he stays up past his bedtime, (he was right all along! who knew?!).

i hope my kids are able to recognize the blessing of the memories we are making now, and that these friendships and connections will always be a part of them no matter what. my biggest hope though is that one day they'll look back on them and want to continue some of these traditions with their own kids.

and one more thing i learned - a lesson in perspective...i was sure not to get too sunburned - i thought that i had lotioned up pretty good - daily i applied sunscreen to the power of 55 to my face and thought i could call it good. after a couple of days i noticed my face was a little more tanned than i had hoped...i could tell i had gotten too much color because one evening as i was slathering on night cream i noticed that the creases of the wrinkles around my eyes were still white. at first i was mortified...that ugly term crows feet came to mind and i felt that in an instant i had aged 10 years. it wasn't pretty. i was bugged by it for a day or two and was sure to keep my sunglasses on. then, at some point i caught myself laughing, and realized that when i laughed the ugly crows feet turned into happy little laugh lines...it suddenly dawned on me...i had smiled, and laughed, and been so content in my surroundings that the sun hadn't had a chance to get into those little creases.

finally it came to me...i'm not old. i'm happy!!!

very...very...happy.

perspective people...it's all a matter of perspective!