i've been....

in a sort of funk,

and feeling

uninspired &

a somewhat disinclined

to share...

to write anything of

real substance...

or even imitation substance

for that matter.

life is good.

my life is blessed.

there has been no tragedy.

we are all well. we are healthy.

i even feel confident in saying, "we are happy."

i've just been feeling a little

funky...

and not the good,

disco

kind of funky.

i know tomorrow will dawn a little brighter.

my plan is to step into the new year

with renewed vim & vigor.

my plan is to begin as i intend to continue.

consider this a P.S.A....

this stuff...smells great...feels great...and it makes your hair smell, feel and look great.

but it is not so great when a harried daughter forgets to snap the lid shut

and it leaks out all over your bathroom counter.

put in perspective....the exxon valdez would have cleaned up easier.

consider yourself warned...

and that goes double for you maddie!

maybe he'll be inspired...

connor doesn't do a lot of dating. i think we could count on one hand the number of official dates he's gone on, or unofficial for that matter. not a big dater. he has his reasons...no license...limited funds...no funds...'cause. he'll do the group get-together-and-hang-out thing; it's casual with limited pressure to be "on" for three or four hours straight. being on requires commitment. and he just not that committed to anyone at the moment.

but it appears that if the mountain won't come to mohammed, then...you make the most of winter formal, (sadie hawkins in taffeta and dress shirts!). morgan asked connor. i think he was relieved it was she who asked him; they've known each other since they were little kids, we used to be in the same ward and our families camp together each summer at the beach. He was a little nervous but after their group day date - making gingerbread houses, eating pizza and hanging out for awhile - he came home happy and relaxed and looking forward to the dance. doesn't he look happy and relaxed...

and doesn't she look beautiful...

'i'm gonna have to rethink some things" he tells me...

so this afternoon i get a call from the school nurse. she's got lou in her office. he's fine she quickly sing-songs in assurance, which, as all seasoned mothers know, translates to, "he's not really, why else would i be calling...but he is still breathing, and everything is still attached. for now!" i calmly respond with that slow, deliberate, okaaay?, which, as all seasoned mothers know, translates to, "enough small talk...what's happened to my baby!!!".

seems the boy was in the middle of a school sanctioned game of flag football. as he went in to grab the flag from an opponent, the kid's foot came up, as is apt to happen when you're running, and jammed the tip of liam's right ring-finger, or 3rd digit as i was informed by the x-ray tech later, which resulted in a nice little fracture across the top end of the middle bone, or phalange.

normally i'm not one to rush on over to the doctor or urgent care, but my usual remedy, that of a wet paper towel for any injury not showing bone, seemed somewhat inadequate/negligent once i finally arrived at the school, and got my first glimpse at his poor, sideways-bent, little digit. he told me he'd managed to "keep it together" until he got to the kindergarten playground, (and out of sight of his buddies), then he just had to let "it" out. and lest we think it was all for naught...he proudly announced that he had managed to take possession of the offending kids flag! that's my boy; always looking for the upside to lifes little downers. so we hit the local urgent care, paid our $25 co-pay, waited our turn, got our x-rays and left with a pretty cool looking splint wrapped with some even cooler looking blue tape. finally, we closed out the afternoons events with a pit stop at arby's for some much needed post-traumatic sustanance.

all the while liam has kept me updated, and amused, at the many things he would now have to "rethink" as a result of his injury. such as...

• how to open the car door
  
• which pocket to keep his retainer box in
  
• writing
  
• holding his book while reading
  
• playing the clarinet
  
• gaming...a.k.a. playing video games
  
• using the computer mouse
  
• p.e.
  
• bathroom habits
  
• showering...although there was only limited concern attached to this one.
  
• the playing of flag football

have i mentioned lately how much i am absolutely, head over heals, in love with this kid.

don't worry mum, i'll be back in six months. she said confidently...

that was 22 years, 1 husband & 4 kids ago. and as much as i love, love, love to be right more often than not...i sure am glad i was totally off base on this one.

november 30th marked 22 years exactly, to the day in fact, since my arrival - which means i have now lived my life equally in australia and the united states. which in turn begs the question; am i an aussie or a yank?

while i absolutely love the life i have been blessed with here in america, and while i don't regret for a single moment my decision to marry and raise my family here...

i am, and will forever and always be, an AUSSIE.

and not to be all peter allen-ish and everything, but...i still call australia home.

november. thank goodness it only has 30 days...

november has been just a crazy, crazy month. november 1st came and it seemed we just hit the ground running. the highs have been high, and the lows have made me more aware of my blessings and the need to appreciate them more. it was one of those periods of time when you pick a date, somewhere in the seemingly too distant future, and view it as the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel...a date that calls and beckons like a steaming hot tub, a clean set of sheets. or that soft little wedge of space between earlobe and shoulder on a baby's neck.

it began with had a baby shower and a bridal shower, (not for the same person...although it would have freed up a much needed saturday had than been the case), it ended with a wedding this past saturday. and even as i type, i just received word that the latest great-grandbaby for the scarlett side has arrived safe & sound...mason anthony edwards. a 6lb 6oz, a bigger-than-his-size bundle of joy. in between though, we shopped for bridesmaid dress patterns, soon ditched that idea, and ended up shopping for actual bridesmaid dresses. how hard could it be? i'll tell you...we ended up driving to three different locations to collect the 3 different sizes we needed; now there's 5 hours of my life i'll never see again. then came the begging, hopeful borrowing, and possible stealing of shrugs; anything but having to sew them seemed like acceptable alternatives. friday morning was spent executing last minute alterations that i prayed would work and not look like something a squirrel had tried his hand at. friday night was dress rehearsal, putting up chairs for the ceremony, and dinner. the matrimonial festivities culminated in a beautiful wedding saturday morning as steven's niece, amanda, married the love of her life, carlos. they both looked so beautiful and full of the excitement of the day. at the last minute i became the official photographer, wishing all the while that i'd actually taken the classes i keep saying i need to take. thank goodness for digital and photoshop is my final word on that.

of course there was the infamous family history project where we, (by "we" i mean "i"), squeezed 3 months of family fact gathering into about 3 weeks; and while it can be done, it should be highly discouraged! we typed, re-typed, scanned, cut & pasted until i was ready to disown everyone and just say that connor was found on our door step one spring morning. ergo making any kind of family history null and void. anyway it's all done now, handed in, and a thing of the past. no pun intended. i'm just hoping i, oops, he gets a good grade! thank you everyone for coming through with stories and names and dates. you are sooo appreciated.

we all know about the change in calling that came mid-month, so we won't rehash that one. but i will add that i taught my first lesson this past sunday and didn't die of cotton mouth or hyper-tension. in fact it went really well. they invited me back next week and i think i'm going to love this new opportunity. it's really what i've needed. i love our ward - all their smiles of congratulations, support, and relief that it wasn't them, were a welcome sight as they entered and took their seats. i am so grateful we have a ward of smart, well versed individuals who are willing to share their thoughts and experiences. more thankfully, i can't think of one that i'd have to glance past for fear of them saying something that reaches way beyond the realm of "personal revelation" and might land us both in the stake presidents office.

the low came one friday as caitlin and i attended the funeral of a beautiful baby girl. she is the niece of one of caitlin's dearest friends, and began her battle for life even before she was born. her little heart fought from the moment she took breathe, and at two weeks Heavenly Father decided she had fought enough and called her home. it was heartbreaking, but the blessings and promises given to her family were beautiful. even though, i found myself wishing the lessons of life could somehow be a little more gentle for some.

thanksgiving day was a wonderful end to such chaos. steven's uncle larry and his wife kitty opened up their home to about 40-odd family members and friends. and by odd i mean 'give or take a few', not odd as in weird or peculiar...although we do proudly boast having a healthy and welcome dose of oddness. dinner in their home as been a family tradition since anyone can remember. kitty rents tables and chairs, sets out real china and silverware and puts up the most beautiful christmas tree. larry roasts up a couple of turkeys to perfection and makes his famous fresh green beans and peppers combination. we all bring our traditional offerings. there's renays world class buns, annette's vegetable tray, my mushrooms. karen brings mashed potatoes. and pies. ohhhhh, the pies.... the best part was that all of steven's family were in town; we haven't all been together since their dad passed away 18 months ago; this was a much more welcome reason for gathering. his sister lisa and her family came from california. we got to meet their new baby, brody, for the first time. we all fought for some brody time, which thankfully he didn't seem to mind, and soaked up as much of his babyness as we could. eric, becky and kids came down from thatcher. the kids have all grown so much. i love watching them as they hang out, and sleep over, and make the most of the short time they have together. i'm so grateful my kids have so much wonderful family. and again i am in awe of the power of family and the ability to step in place and pick up where they left off.

so now it is december, and i have the feeling that there is more chaos to come as christmas quickly approaches. but i have a goal. and i am resolute in my decision, not to let things get so crazy and out of hand that i look past the sacredness of this season just so i can find the light at the end of the tunnel. i am resolute in my decision to remember that the real Light comes from the birth and life of Christ. i am resolute in remembering that by looking to the Light, instead of past it, ensures that our lives will be happier, more joyful. even amid the chaos.

here's to a relatively chaos free and merry christmas to all....

polyester and orthopedics. may we be not so quick to judge thee...

while steve and i were sitting by the hotel pool this past summer i watched a little girl, about two or so, lazily recline on the pool lounger and invite her grandad to come join her. she repeatedly called 'mere, 'mere!, motioning with one hand, palm up, baby fat fingers curling and uncurling, all the while patting the smidgen of space beside her with her other plump little hand. when the grandad finally aquiesced the little girl could barely contain herself as he cuddled up beside her. it was such a pleasant thing to watch, and for a not so fleeting moment, i longed to be a grandma. the whole fantasy of loving them to death, spoiling them rotten and then unleashing them back to their parents seemed positively divine. i even found myself thinking about who i might be...granny? gran? nana? of course, i'm not looking for caitlin to rush out and get married - she's only 18 after all and waaayyy to young for that sort of thing. right, shelley? mum? but i have always been fully in love with the idea of having a baby around. and better yet, a baby i don't have to birth or raise. recently i have tried to down play the joy and excitement that overwhelms me when i think about ali and ben moving to arizona, but i really just have to admit...it thrills me no end! and then, when i remember that we get the bonus of a baby? well, lets just say, oh happy day and hallelujah!!! it seems you can have your cake and eat it too!

so the other day, when i noticed an older woman while i was out shopping, i found myself excited once again at the prospects come march and the arrival of baby boy wade. she was the grandmotherly type...soft skinned, soft bodied. stretch-waist pants and sensible shoes. as we passed she even smelled grandmotherly...soft, gentle. warm. the thought of me being all grandmother-ish reminded me of the following poem. i fell in love with it when i was young and have been waiting patiently for the opportunity to bring it to life for a very long time now. some days it feels like the time is nigh at hand. a little more nigh than i would like think. the kids would probably say i have slipped into the role of delusion without quite realizing it already. only time will tell. i may not hoard the brandy and beer mats. but then again, i just might...'cause chances are looking pretty good that i'll be completely senile...

When I Am Old...

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,

And I shall spend my pension

on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals,

and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,

And run my stick along the public railings,

And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,

Or only bread and pickle for a week,

And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats

and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,

And pay our rent and not swear in the street,

And set a good example for the children.

We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me

are not too shocked and surprised,

When suddenly I am old

and start to wear purple!

Jenny Joseph

unconditional love? check...

eternal life? check. sense of humor? check, check...

i have long suspected that the Lord has a very keen sense of humor. how else do you explain marriage, children after 35, or gym memberships. but His is not your classic sitcom sense of humor, laugh track provided so you'll know what's funny and when to laugh. no, the Lords brand of humor is a little more subtle. and like british humor not everyone will get it or even appreciate it. fortunately i get it. and slowly i am coming to appreciate it.

this past week, after a four year run, i was released from my position as laurel advisor and was immediately called to....wait for it...gospel doctrine teacher!!!! see! funny, funny, funny. (it's either good sense of humor or lapse of judgement...and since He is all omnipotent i'm going with humor!)

i never assign labels to my posts, but i'm thinking there are few catagories that this post might fall under...

IRONY: i don't think i've been to sunday school more than a dozen times this whole year!

LOOPHOLES: free agency notwithstanding, i think if you read the fine print i'm pretty sure it'll say something to the effect that the Lord retains the right to compell us to self-improvement despite our best efforts to the contrary.

MORMON OXYMORONS: free agency, (reference LOOPHOLES). sabbath day rest. sharon is gospel doctrine teacher.

GOODLY PARENTS: having been born of them i had no choice but to accept this calling. if not i would have needed to add GUILT to my list of labels. and that's a whole other post.

BITTERSWEET: i can honestly say i have truely loved all the girls i've had the honor to teach, and in turn learn from during my tenure in young womens. but i have to admit that it was wonderful to sit beside caitlin in relief society. (when on earth did either of us get old enough for that happen?)

FAITH. HUMILITY. HOPE. DENIAL: pick one...i've given them all a pretty good work out over the past few day, and i have been continually reminded that compared to challenges that so many others face, the opportunity to teach the promises of the gospel should be gratefully welcomed. i try to remember that the Lord knows my potential. He sees what i don't. i just wish that i was more privvy to those things He sees.

very mysterious ways indeed...

this was one of those weekends that as you sit and *ruminate on sunday night makes you say, "wow, what a great weekend!". like a slice of really good cheesecake, it leaves you satisified yet wanting for more all at the same time. it started friday night with good friends and lots of laughter as we halloweened together, continued saturday evening as we enjoyed a late dinner with the same friends following the adult session of stake conference, and then wound down quietly sunday evening after taking part in a broadcast session from salt lake sunday morning where we received wise and timely council from members of the seventy, the primary general board and pres. boyd k. packer. the word "bliss" comes to mind as i think of the feelings and spirit i have felt these past couple of days.

the highlight however, strange as it might sound, was rising at 5:30 saturday morning in order to fulfill an assignment at the church farm out in queen creek. less blissful was certainly the mood as i rousted 5 sleepy (adam stayed the night), sugar crashed individuals from their beds as the splendor of their "one day to sleep in" became but memory. steven had accepted the assignment on our family's behalf earlier in the week, but on friday found out he needed to work instead. he asked if i was still going to take the kids and go? in the past i might have been tempted to skip such an "opportunity", anticipating my own mood and the kids resistence to reveille coming in the middle of the night. but even before the question was asked i knew i needed to gather my little family together and follow through with this commitment.

the young man to the left of connor is ben, one of the friends the kids made while working.

by 6 o'clock the six of us were squeezed into our five person car and, quite literally, heading down the country road. after a couple of wrong turns, despite a map, we arrived along with about 50 or 60 other do gooders ready, if not quite eager, to find out what was on tap for today. everyone from a baby in a stroller to a couple a old codgers was there, which humbled me immediately and made me even more pleased that i hadn't whimped out. our chore for the morning was to walk a 3/4 mile length of canal and pick up chunks of concrete, ranging in size from a fist to a dinner plate, that had recently been unearthed when they graded the road. three or four trucks followed along beside us so we could toss the pieces into their beds, ready to be deposited somewhere else later. and while it may sound boring and mundane, i found myself finding parrallels and forming analogies between this seemingly temporal thing we were doing and how it related to life and the blessings of the gospel. when your 10 year old asks, "why exactly are we picking up concrete?", you've got to be able to offer him something more than "just because!". so as i tossed i analyzed. these rocks & trucks came to represent sin and repentence and the constant companionship of the lord ready to receive our burdens. they came represent our conversion to the gospel and the need to leave a clearer path for those who come behind us. they became the challenges we face and a reminder that in life we are sometimes required to be the giver and at other times the receiver. they were proof that many hands make light work. it was an interesting sight, this motley crew of mormons, slowly migrating along a very dusty and rocky road working hard as they bent and stretched and tossied. but it was a more beautiful sight to see them all smiling as they went; laughing and joking with each other, chatting with people they didn't know, encouraging strength in there children and praising them for their efforts. it felt good to be working along side my own children, laughing and joking with them. it felt good to watch them joking with each other...patting each other on the back for a job well done and being delighted at the plume of dust that rose in each others faces. it felt good for all of us to look back down the road and see what had been accomplished. and it was especially pleasing to hear them say they had a good time and were glad they went.

one of the little guys - he was so cute doing his part...

when we got home we found we were locked out of the house. i had been the last to use the spare key the night before and had forgotten to put it back in it place. after berating myself for just a minute, and just before i desparately called steven, i remembered the windows i had washed last week. now, i'm going to go with blessings here, instead of dumb luck or coincidence; i remembered that i had put the screens back on the windows in such a way that they could be popped off from the outside and that i had left the kitchen window unlocked. within just a few minutes we had liam up and through the window and feeling like the saver of the day. (why is it so exciting to be the kid that gets to go throught the window?). the sense of accomplishment continued to effect the rest of our day - the kids seemed quicker to respond and were more helpful to me, they were even kinder and more patient with each other. and even though i didn't get everything done that i was hoping to, i still felt like i was at least getting some things done and it was ok if the rest had to wait for another day.

sometimes i find myself being a little too relieved when someone else gets the call to help, to speak in church or teach a lesson, or in some other way put themselves out. i kid myself into believing that i dodged a bullet. but i am coming to understand that i am the one missing out and i should be crossing my fingers everyday, hoping to be lucky enough to get the call to serve.

and if crossing your fingers doesn't seem to be working, praying always does.

*since seeing the disney movie aladdin i have wanted to be able slip the word ruminate into casual conversation.

after i looked up what it meant of course...

bah humbug! halloween style...

jessie is not a fish person. i am not a halloween person.

in fact i hate halloween. i find it takes way more effort than a "holiday" of it's nature should require. mostly i hate that i am required to come up with a costume. when the kids were younger, especially the girls, they usually had one ellaborate idea after another of what their costume should involve. most years we just came to a reasonable compromise...a costume good enough that they wouldn't be embarrassed, and in turn, not reveal how lame their mother really was. there would be time enough for that. thankfully the older three kids either don't need a costume anymore, or are able to figure one out for themselves. kudos to growing up! even more thankfully, we have family from whom i can beg a costume for liam two hours before trick or treating begins...thus keeping my apathy and lameless on the D.L. for yet another year. thanks annette!!!

my natural inclination was to turn off all the lights, pretend we weren't home and huddle, quietly trapped, in our family room with the t.v. and a movie. sans sound of course; those little trick or treaters have sonic hearing! knowing that wasn't really a viable option, we headed over to annette and bruce's to celebrate the festivities and do our part in the support of dentists everywhere. we gathered on their front lawn with a couple of other families and for the next 4 hours did nothing but eat, hand out candy and laugh so hard our bellies hurt. (i started coughing so i know it was a really good night!). the kids all took each other trick or treating, again kudos!! to growing up. when they finally got back they played football in the street and ran themselves ragged, already possessed by the compulsory halloween sugar high. annette got a phone call from some weirdo because he was positive austin was riding his son's stolen bike. the older girls hemmed and hawed most of the evening about whether or not to attend a young adult party, and as dutiful parents we encouraged them to go out and find husbands or risk the possiblity of becoming known as "those crazy old ladies with the cats, and a lot of regret". yes. good times were had by all. the power of good friends, not to mention a killer dessert, thanks sara, should not be over looked in the affect and influence they have to change attitudes. halloween is not so bad i guess...

of course you'll just have to take my word on all this food, fun and friends.

because not a single picture was taken to memorialize any part of it.

oops, my lameness is showing...

so...

fyi...not my actual window. i wish!

so, how poorly does it reflect on me that the inside side of my windows were so disgustingly filthy that when i washed them this afternoon i could actually hear the film of dirt being scratched off the glass?

i'm sorry...that was actually a rhetorical question.

i was just writing out loud...

so how wonderful is it that my windows are so incredibly clean my kitchen and family room are brightened to a point of brilliance that makes it look and feel like heaven itself is actually streaming through them?

let me tell you...

absolutely wonderful.

so tell me, how do i now clean the upstairs windows without tempting fate and causing myself grievous bodily harm?

ideas?

suggestions?

volunteers?

hellooooo....?