a friend of mine recently wrote a piece lamenting the fact that her baby, her first born, was all done breastfeeding. she was saddened by the loss of connection, the end to those moments that only a mother and her baby can share. she was a little less than eager for either one of them to begin this new beginning, this new independence. and the sure knowledge that other things, and other people were going to fill the gap that inevitably forms between a mother and child did nothing to endear her to this milestone in motherhood.
i agreed with her as i recalled these same feelings. i loved the thought that i reigned supreme in the lives of my babies. i loved that they came to me fully expecting that i could shift their fragile world back on it's axis when the injustices of the real one seemed to get the better of them. no matter what was running amok in my own world, i was always able to settle theirs. with each passing year however i feel like my reign has slowly given way to their need to rule supreme.
but every so often life throws you a bone. or in gentler, more endearing terms...sometimes there's a ray of hope...a tender mercy.
you send your 14 year old daughter off to E.F.Y. - she is eager to go. eager to literally take flight as she boards the plane. she's excited at being on her own for five whole days. excited to be her own person, to call the shots. she's with a best friend. she's in good hands. she's where she has wanted to be all summer. she's where she should be. she is surrounded by good people. she is safe. blessed. oh, and there are boys...blessings added upon.
she leaves on sunday. registers on monday. and by tuesday she's ready to be done. she calls late in the afternoon and tells me between sobs that she is sick, her stomach hurts, she can't eat, she wants to come home. i tell her that she is not ill. i tell her she is fine. i tell her that she's just homesick. i think to myself that "just homesick" should be classed as an oxymoron. instinct kicks in, hold habits die hard, and for the next 20 minutes i work carefully on restoring calm and peace to her world. i ask what she's been doing, about her room, her group, her councellors, what classes she took that day, what were her plans for the evening, what about the boys?! she answers. we talk. it feels good to be needed. by the end she is breathing, she is talking in complete sentences, she is planning her outfit for the fireside.
when she called this afternoon she was back to being queen of her universe - life was great, everything was great. she was eating again even though the food is far from great. the dance was a lot of fun, of course she had to do the asking. silly boys. she and cassidy were getting ready to perform in the choir later this evening. it was going to be so cool. she was glad to be there. she was happy.
so my work here is done. for now. but i rest assured that there will again be feelings, and hearts and bridges in need of mending. i am happy to wait here quietly in the wings, knowing my time will come again all too soon.
